the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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