anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
