I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
