Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
