meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
