How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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