So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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