You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
