remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼‍♀️
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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