he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
