I smell stomach acid.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
