The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
