ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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