you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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