You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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