I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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