You work out of a Hotel?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
