Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
