Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
