Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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