don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
