I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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