found the other keg... it's in the tree
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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