ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
