I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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