the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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