I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
