i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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