God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
