I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
