Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
