I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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