she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
