My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
