She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
