I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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