apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
