super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
a search helicopter?!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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