There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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