I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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