We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
