TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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