The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
