And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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