i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize