I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
