do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
