I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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