I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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