Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
