so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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