Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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