I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
