I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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