Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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