Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
