yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
