He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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