I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
