dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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