I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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