I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
