dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
