i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
