not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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