Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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